The Talk.Origins Archive: Exploring the Creation/Evolution Controversy

Ode to a Creationist
Post of the Month: July 1997
Copyright © 1997 by by Rebecca Lynn Johnson

T o the pagan bandwidth of the Usenet group t.o
Our strong creationist bravely went, his knowledge for to show.
What! -- Did I say knowledge? Oh, silly, silly me;
I fear that it was Holy Writ
He opened on his knee.

The Bible! Yes, the Word of God! It held the answers all;
An encyclopedia of Truth we lost with Adam's fall
(Forgetting that its authors were never there to see
The creation celebration
Any more than you or me).

He met his first temptation in the demon of the FAQ,
But he easily avoided it, his head within a sack.
In ignorance of scientific method found he bliss,
Since it kept this young adept
From Darwin's poison kiss.

"The Bible speaketh not about this evolution lie,
Nor of fossils of transitions -- but of water from the sky!
And animals of fixe^d kinds, all crammed within a boat;
They spread about, sent offspring out,
When once it ceased to float!"

A snicker showed upon his screen, and more than that beside:
"Such myopic mythic mystery we cannot help deride.
In English or in Hebrew, a species is no 'kind,'
Else that boat would never float
Without leaving some behind.

"Or is that the fate of unicorn, of dinosaur and roc?
That is why they are no more, for Noah took no stock?
And rapidly the other 'kinds' did mutate, spread, and grow:
The solution, microevolution:
Does your book tell you so?

"And what of sickness, dread disease, and also parasites?
Did Noah's family nourish them upon those rainy nights?
And what did all the creatures eat for nigh upon a year?
And exercise? An elephant's size?
Did carnivores cause no fear?"

"Ecology! It has no place, you lying, heathen scum!
Laws of nature limit our Omnipotent One!
He can do just as He likes, and what His plan requires,"
Said creationist, now getting pissed,
"That makes you all just liars!

"For years and years and years and years it all has been the same
But only 'cause the world changed when flooded it became!
God changed water's chemistry and it began to flow
As from on high and through the sky
It all fell down below!"

"Au contraire, mon petit fre^re," said one who damned shall be,
"The physics of the atom say water's always been at sea.
Cent'ries of research on water never yet have found
It was bent by molecular dent
From impact with the ground."

The creationist fumed a while, then thought he found the key.
"This evolution bullshit contradicteth entropy!
Out of randomness you claim that order doth derive;
That messy stew, primordial GUE,
In our genome doth survive!

"Order out of randomness must always need a plan,
And plans require planners -- challenge that one if you can!
Explain to me the human eye, or brain if you prefer;
The thought of half just makes me laugh,
For no purpose could it serve."

"Science careth not a fig if planner there should be,
For we can only talk about the things that we can see.
Entropy is only true for systems that are sealed;
In sunny sky our Earth doth fly,
So the law has been repealed.

"If you would learn the priciples of that knowledge you deplore,
You would find preadaptation has long come through our door.
Half a thing is useless, denial would be mad --
But we disagree that what you see
Th' same purpose always had.

"Half a thing of one thing, a whole other might have been,
And change between the two is where selection did kick in.
Scaly Archaeopteryx with feathers could glide higher;
No eye of newt the shift from scute
To feather did require.

"Jurassic freaks and finches' beaks, what do these things share?
On neither one nor other will you find a single hair.
But look upon their fossils and their calcifie^d skellys,
And see the similarity
Between their legses pelves!"

"Ha-HA! You stupid nincompoops! I have caught you here!
For all of this to happen would require a million years!
But the magnetic field weakens and the Sun is getting thin!
Glory, yea, six K.Y.A.
The creation did begin!"

"And look at who makes all those claims -- it's the ICR crowd,
Led by Duane Gish who thinks that man's a watermelon cloud[1],
No science knows the answer before testing has begun.
You never lose if you pick and choose;
By such means is no science done."

Thus declaimed the evolutionary brotherhood on-line,
And glumly waited creationist's inevitable whine:
"All you see is just a trick to test our holy faith;
God was bold to make it old
And see who took the bait."

"You must be daft! How do you know that all that now you see
Is simply not a trick of God, a planted memory?
The instant of creation is right NOW as you read this
Or be as 't may on last Tuesday --
Does this thought bring you bliss?"

But each and all electrons that were part of every word
Were wasted bits of transience, for the creationist hadn't heard.
He refused to test his faith, convinced that he was right.
He'd only learned when badly burned
That complex was the fight.

The Devil's fiendish sack of souls appeared to be much fatter
As the hapless creationist went away, his head upon a platter.
Evolution's house had been built upon a rock, and
His belief had met with grief
Upon the shifting sand.

[1] Gish derided the genetic similarity of humans and chimps by arguing that watermelons and clouds, despite both being 99% water, were not related. Just curious -- how did this guy get a Ph.D. in biochem?

Rebecca Lynn 'proto-Chris' Johnson
Post-Colonial Theories of Isostatic Encephalization
Dept. of Programs, College of Sections, School of Faculties, U Ediacara
(aka RLJ []
Ph.D. student, Dept. of Anthropology, U Iowa)

Article originally posted July 2, 1997

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