The Moon is
Made of Cheese! A Creation/Evolution allegory
by Damian Carroll
The following transcript is from a debate between Carl
Johnson, P.H.D., a leader in the rapidly developing field
of “Celestial Foodstuffs,” and Mark Howard, an
undergraduate astronomy student.
MODERATOR: Gentlemen, welcome to the debate.
Today’s topic: Lunar Composition. For years,
schoolchildren have been taught only one theory about the
composition of our orbiting sister, the Moon, popularly
known as the “Moon Is Made Of Rock” Theory. But
this theory has come under fire recently by a group of
religious and political activists, demanding equal time for
their own views, dubbed the “Celestial
Foodstuffs” Theory. Educators and scientists say that
CF Theory is no more than a barely disguised reworking of
the ancient “Moon Is Made Of Cheese” Theory.
Our debate today will focus on differences between these
two intriguing fields of research, in the hopes that the
public will gain greater understanding of each. We’ll
begin with Carl.
CARL: Thank you. Folks, I’m here tonight to tell
you something groundbreaking. It’s something most
scientists do not want you to hear. They’re afraid
that if you discover the truths I’m about to tell
you, you’ll stop funding their research. You
won’t allow them a monopoly in what gets taught in
our school science classes. But luckily, after tonight
you’ll be armed with the latest in cutting-edge
research and proven facts that will allow you to refute the
bogus theory that has a stranglehold on our educational
system. I’m talking, of course, about the “Moon
Is Made Of Rock” theory. What’s that you say?
You thought scientists had proof that the Moon is made of
rock? Well, folks, I’m here tonight to tell you they
don’t. “Moon Is Made Of Rock,” or as I
like to call it, MIMOR, is just a theory. It hasn’t
been proven. And until it is proven, conclusively, all we
ask is that our Celestial Foodstuffs theory be given equal
time.
MODERATOR: Thank you Carl. Mark…
MARK: First of all, I can’t believe we’re
even having a debate about this. But since we’re all
here, I’ll try to make this short. The Moon is
definitely made of rock. That’s a fact. We have loads
and loads of evidence. We have rocks from the Moon.
We’ve run thousands of chemical tests on Moon
materials – they’ve all come up as, well, rock.
We’ve sent astronauts to the Moon – they saw
that it was, in fact, made of rock. Now, it’s true we
don’t know exactly how the Moon was formed. We have
some good ideas and there is ongoing research. But as far
as the Moon being made of cheese, I don’t understand
how anybody could still believe that.
MODERATOR: Thanks, Mark. Carl…
CARL: Folks, Mister Howard would like you to think that
all scientists agree on MIMOR. But this is absolutely not
the case. I, for example, have P.H.D.s in Nutrition and
Statistics, and I do not agree. Furthermore, many of my
colleagues find grave problems with MIMOR theory. Even
leading astronomers have trouble accepting the theory. Why,
just last April NASA scientists admitted, “Many
questions remain about the chemical composition of the
Moon.”
MARK: That quote is totally out of context. You know as
well as I do that NASA was talking about the exact chemical
composition of Moon rock. They certainly do not doubt that
the Moon is made of rock, and there’s no way that
they are saying it might be cheese!
CARL: I’ll leave that up to the audience to
decide. My point is that many questions about Moon
composition remain unsolved, yet Mark Howard would have you
believe they’ve got it all sewn up. That simply
isn’t true.
MODERATOR: Well let’s look into your Celestial
Foodstuffs theory, Carl. Tell us how your research points
to the Moon having a dairy-based composition.
CARL: I’d be happy to. For hundreds of years,
humans have known intuitively that the Moon is made of
cheese. It’s really quite obvious if you don’t
hide behind a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo. Let me give
you a little thought experiment. If you opened up your
refrigerator at home, and saw something greenish white,
with little holes in it, you would assume it was cheese.
Any rational person would do the same. Why then, should the
case of an object in the sky be any different? Logically,
we should assume the same thing – the Moon is white,
the Moon has holes, and therefore it is cheese. But
don’t take my word for it -- I have statistical facts
to back up that statement.
MODERATOR: Well let’s get into those statistics.
As you know, for a long time Moon Is Made Of Cheese theory
was based largely on doctrine. Poems, literature, and the
like insisted that the Moon was cheese-based. But you say
your Celestial Foodstuffs theory incorporates new
evidence.
CARL: That’s right. Let’s first look at the
so-called “scientific” theory that is taught in
our schools today. Scientists tell us that the Moon is a
huge ball of rock, circling – in astronomical terms
– right next to the Earth, another huge ball of rock.
Now I ask you, does this make sense? Does it seem likely
that two balls of rock would be found right next to each
other in space? Let’s look at the math. According to
scientists, the ratio of empty space to rock in the
universe is enormous. Jump anywhere in space and you are
likely to find yourself in a totally rock-free zone.
Considering this, what are the chances that two balls of
rock would appear right next to each other in the vast
enormity of space? I’ve performed the calculations,
and the answer is: nil. Of all the places for a ball of
rock to appear, right next to the Earth is so unlikely as
to be statistically impossible. So we’re left with
the question – if a ball of rock could not appear
next to the Earth, what might the Moon in fact be? And of
course, the only other possibility is a ball of cheese.
MARK: That’s totally ridiculous. You’re
assuming that the Moon just appeared randomly out of
nowhere. No scientist would argue that. You’ve
ignored everything we know about the development of solar
systems, planets, and moons. What’s more, even if you
could prove that our Moon was not made of rock,
there’s no reason to assume that cheese is the only
other alternative. What are the chances of a ball of cheese
appearing next to the earth?
CARL: I would love to give you that calculation, and
believe me, I am working on it. The problem is, because
science has totally ignored the possibility of Celestial
Foodstuffs, we have no data about the ratio of cheese to
empty space in the universe! Until science takes our theory
seriously, we will have to gather that data on our own, and
that takes time.
MARK: Science has no reason to study cheese ratios in
the universe. We’ve never found cheese anywhere
except here on Earth. On the other hand, we have found
loads and loads of rock on the Moon. How do you explain
that?
CARL: Mark is referring here to so-called “rock
evidence,” gathered on the Moon by astronauts, that
scientists claim proves their case. I don’t have to
tell you that this evidence is spotty at best. Astronauts
have only set foot on a very small fraction of the Moon.
The Moon rocks they’ve gathered show us only tiny
pieces of what the total composition of the Moon might be.
Here’s a little thought experiment: imagine you are a
tiny astronaut on the Moon. You come to Earth and land in
Wisconsin, a region rich in cheese. In fact, your spaceship
lands on a large cheese wheel. You get out of your ship,
take some samples, and bring them back to the Moon. There,
your Moon scientists analyze the samples, and determine
that the Earth must be made of cheese! I think we can all
see how NASA has made this very mistake. They’ve sent
their astronauts to a couple isolated locations on the Moon
that contain some rock. But we’ve seen no samples
from the vast regions between those scattered Moon
landings. They bring us back tiny pieces of the puzzle and
expect us to jump to conclusions along with them. But there
is no reason to make that jump! The Moon is no more made of
rock than the Earth is made of cheese.
MARK: Carl is right. We don’t have samples from
every inch of the Moon. Trying to collect them would be a
logistical nightmare. We don’t have the resources to
send millions of missions to the Moon to take samples in
every direction. Luckily, we don’t need to do so. The
samples we have from the Moon paint the larger picture, and
every one of them is consistent with the moon being made of
rock. We can’t prove that every inch of the Moon is
rock, but we have shown that possibility to be far and away
the most likely. I’d like to ask Carl, are you saying
it’s a coincidence that every time we landed on the
Moon, we just happened to be on a huge platform of
rock?
CARL: I don’t know, Mark. That’s not for me
to prove. You’re the one saying the whole Moon is
rock. You’re the one saying that’s the only
theory our children should hear.
MARK: We may not have rock from every corner of the
Moon, but one thing we’ve never found is cheese!
CARL: That’s what science would like us to
believe. But I suspect that scientists may be hiding cheese
evidence, for fear that it would demolish their case. It
wouldn’t be the first time science perpetrated a
fraud. Let me call your attention to the Buzz Aldrin
fiasco. As you know, in 1982 Mister Aldrin was caught
telling a girl in a bar that some rocks in his pocket were
authentic Moon rocks. But subsequent chemical tests proved
that those rocks were from a ranch in Montana! Do you deny
that this was a case of clear-cut lies?
MARK: Yes, we’ve all heard about the Buzz
incident. But let me point out that it was scientists who
discovered that fraud, and publicly debunked it! The beauty
of science is that every claim is rigorously tested by a
large number of individuals.
CARL: Nevertheless, we can see how scientists are
perfectly capable of misleading the public. What’s
more, I am not convinced that the samples brought back from
the Moon are rock at all. A careful look at those samples
shows that they are indistinguishable from old, hardened
cheese! Anyone who has let cheese sit out for a couple days
in a cold, dry climate – such as that on the Moon
– knows that cheese can harden to a remarkably
rock-like consistency. Imagine how hard cheese could get
after a couple billion years spent orbiting the Earth!
Thus, science has not proven that their samples are
non-cheese.
MARK: Just because you say it could be cheese,
doesn’t make it true! Are you a geologist? Have you
ever taken a chemistry class?
CARL: Ah, again, we see the appeals to scientific
elitism. As if regular people aren’t smart enough to
understand the complexities of lunar study.
MARK: You’re the one who is treating this audience
like idiots.
CARL: Mark, Mark, Mark. Science has tried again and
again to beat down CF theory, and failed every time.
Scientists said the Moon could not be cheese, because
cheese has little holes and the Moon has big ones. We
replied that a piece of cheese as big as the Moon would
naturally have bigger holes. They said a piece of cheese
that large would require an enormous cow to provide the
milk. We replied that enormous cows may very well live
right outside our solar system. They said a piece of cheese
that large would emit an odor so strong –
MARK: Scientists never said any of those things!
You’re making up arguments just to knock them
down!
CARL: Be that as it may, your research has never looked
into any of these possibilities! Have you constructed a
giant cheese smell-o-meter and sent it into orbit as CF
supporters have demanded? Why not? Are you afraid of what
such a smell-o-meter might find?
MARK: You’re talking nonsense. Scientists
don’t have time to chase down every half-baked theory
that gets thrown at them. We work based on what we know. We
know that the only materials ever brought back from the
moon were rock. Nobody has ever shown evidence of cheese
composition. You can’t expect us to take twelve steps
backwards just to satisfy your idiotic demands.
CARL: But you don’t know that the whole moon is
rock. You can’t be positive. You’ve only
studied a tiny fraction of the moon.
MARK: A countless number of separate experiments have
all arrived at the same result.
CARL: But you don’t know for sure. It’s
possible that the moon is made of cheese.
MARK: It is extremely unlikely. It is so unlikely it
doesn’t even warrant consideration.
CARL: But it’s possible?
MARK: Fine, yes, I suppose it’s possible, in the
sense that any incredibly unlikely thing is still
possible.
CARL: Exactly. And that is precisely why Celestial
Foodstuffs Theory should be taught alongside MIMOR theory
in school science classes. We just don’t know which
is true. Millions of Americans believe firmly that the Moon
is cheese, and their views should be addressed.
MARK: You’re talking about teaching something in a
science class that no reputable scientist believes.
CARL: Well why should scientists have a monopoly on
science? I say, let the public in. Anybody with an idea
they feel passionately about deserves to have that idea
taught to children in the public schools.
MARK: That’s absurd. Why even have science classes
if you’re not going to teach established science?
CARL: All we ask is for our children to learn the
truth.
MARK: Whose truth?
CARL: Well mine, of course. The Moon is made of cheese,
Mark. It’s about time you stopped arguing and just
accepted that fact.
